Mixed Emotions

As I sit here and listen to a child cry hysterically my heart wrenches and it makes me sad and want to cry. I relate to this child on some levels and feels what he is feeling and totally understand what he is going through. Life can he so tough and so unfair. It's so easy to give up and run away from it all. I share with him my thoughts and encourage him not to ever give up no matter how tough it is, and it is tough and as I sit here and listen to him cry tears are in my eyes for I feel what the child feels, and I understand and it breaks my heart to think of the pain that he carries in his heart, and he is not my child, but in the spot that I have in my heart for this child is of love. I love this child like he could be mine and he is not. He is special to me, very special and his father I love and respect. I am dating his father. It is the three of us in this house. Some days it is really really hard. I mean really hard. no joke. I also think it's worth it. They are worth it. Very worth it to me. No matter what.

The past few days have been better. Not as many tears. I'm trying not to think about Christmas, and the holidays. I am strongly thinking about going to church on Sunday. We'll see. I plan on working Christmas day. Keep myself and my mind busy so I wont have to think about stuff.

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything. Erase everything from my memory. The past, and have it be gone forever and not ever remember that any of it has happened or that I've gone and am going through anything. Life can be so tough. It would make it so much easier if I could take a huge eraser and swipe everything clean. A totally new clean slate and the past just be gone forever. I have pictures that I need to go through and get rid of, they are stuff from the past with my ex- and I just cant bring myself to go through any of it. I'm just not ready yet.

Christmas is almost here and my sister and I are not on speaking terms and that is totally breaking my heart. We don't talk anymore. She used to be my best friend. I miss her. I have no idea how my nieces are doing. I miss it all. I love my sister so much and I miss my best friend. We have not talked since March when I left my ex. We didn't see eye to eye on the way things played out. No body did really. No body approved on how I did things. I know and understand and get it that how and what I did was wrong, but because of that I lost my sister. I feel like she wrote me off and I don't like that feeling and I don't know how for us to even begin to start talking. We talked every day. I miss her.

There are many times I sit here and think and wish that I could re-do my life. Go back and just start things are over. Make different choices , take a different path and take different steps, but I can't, oh how I wish that I could................................................